Second Inspirational Scrunge Letter

Why You Should Always Aim for the Moon!

By Deb Hawken

Dear Friends, as you may remember I was going to write a treatise this month on sibling rivalry, but on the grounds that I lost interest just a few short minutes before I lost the computer I was writing it on I decided to inspire you to reach for the moon instead!

Now I can already hear you muttering that no one of 5’ 1” in their stocking feet ever reached any moon, and I have to say sir that I sympathise with you being only 4’ 11” myself (on a vertical day, on a day I imbibe too much Tequila I’m approximately 2’ 6” tall and horizontal most of the time).

This kind of behaviour clearly makes reaching for the firmament very difficult, in fact sitting on the sofa hoping that good things are coming your way doesn’t work either, if you have a cat like mine the only good things you’ll get are a cuddle and fleas. I really should try to catch Murgatroyd and apply some flea murdering gel to the back of his neck, but being both a Buddhist and a lazy a***e makes that very difficult and stressful.

Physically I have enough trouble scratching myself let alone moving from the chair, but that’s partly because I had my floorboards varnished and then fell asleep in my bare feet before it was dry.

So back to the moon; we have established that sitting on the sofa or indeed anything that keeps you indoors doing nothing is no way to achieve your dreams, but how can you go out and apply all this cosmetic ordering that’s flying around unaccounted for, in order to bring in the joy and abundance that this universe has to offer (a universe that also has fleas I would remind you).

In order to make sure that you get the joy and abundance and not the fleas there are several steps you need to take:

1. Leave the house occasionally.

2. Admit when you’re unhappy.

You don’t have to tell anyone else you can keep it secret. However, do not tell yourself if you’re hopeless at keeping confidences because you’re sure to blab. The person you’ve blabbed to will tell someone who will tell someone and someone will eventually tell you, then you’ll find out you’re unhappy from someone else and let’s face it, that’s just embarrassing!

3. Stop doing things you don’t like doing.

Doing things you don’t like doing doesn’t leave you time to do things you do like doing. However, don’t leave your job instantly as you might find out that the bank do like you to pay your mortgage and won’t care that you’d rather eat your own head than go back to that dump!

4. If you don’t know what you like doing go out and find out. 

It’s no good sitting at work pushing explosives into your disk drive wailing that you’re bored and you hate the place. If you keep doing that you will a) blow your hand off (or worse) and b) remain exactly where you are unless the explosion launches you through a window. After all, any disk drive can only take so many foreign objects and the techno-geeks at work will catch you sooner or later.* (A word of advice, an explosion is NOT a good way to leave a job.)

* You can usually get away with quite a lot with techno-geeks as they always think that the problem is far more complex than high explosives and a short fuse in the nearest orifice. Your boss will notice though particularly when his butt passes his face at great speed.

5. When you find out what you do like doing do it.

6. Spray the cat.

If you don’t have a cat offer to spray a neighbour’s cat, the neighbour will be grateful and will no doubt help you to apply antiseptic to the stitches if you ask nicely. You might even find that other neighbours will appreciate your courage in approaching a raging feline with a flea spray and let you spray their cats. Not only will you make lots of friends but you’ll have all your scars to talk about!

Now I will admit that some people do find me simplistic and I admit that I am so simplistic that I can barely spell the word – it has far too many letters to be simplistic – but let’s face it, wasting time is a complete waste of time and you are wasting time if you’re not happy.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a miserable relationship, a boring job that drives you nuts, still doing the same hobby you were doing when you were 12 because no one told you to stop, or sitting on the sofa waiting for something interesting to come on television, if you aren’t happy you’re not out there finding out how to be happy.

Many people won’t admit to unhappiness though, they like to pretend that the miserable life they’re clearly leading isn’t as plain as a pikestaff (don’t ask me what a pikestaff is I don’t know and I don’t care). They sail around full of joy, abundance and bull-droppings telling everyone how fantastic everything is whilst completely missing the point. They’re the kind of people who would tell you that a broken leg is good for you and you should embrace your inner parasite and thank it for wrecking your digestion!

Don’t be one of them. Be a down-to-earth realist like me, I know being 4’ 11” is an advantage but come on even someone of 6’ 5” can remain in touch with the earth if they buy a telescope and look down every now and again.

You have to be real. You have to be you. I would say you have to be happy but in all honesty you don’t, you can be as miserable as sin if you want to. Do you? That’s the big question.

However, one thing I do know, being a big faker won’t help you to reach the moon and if you miss the moon at least dance amongst the stars. You can fake it until you make it but the longer you fake it the longer it will take to make it.

So, get a kitchen table, a kitchen chair, a ladder, a rope, a snake charmer and a space shuttle and try for that moon.

One further note of Spiritual wisdom, when I say dance among the stars that does not mean squeeze yourself into your version of a size 8 Latin American dress, 6” skyscrapers, and launch yourself into the middle of the “Strictly” ballroom floor hoping to dance among Artem, Robin or dear Anton. Those are not the stars you should reach for unless you fancy doing time and making a fool of yourself.

I hope this will inspire you to see how easy reaching for the moon is (providing you can lay you hands on a snake charmer, the space shuttle is being decommissioned so you should easily find one or two of them rusting in heap somewhere).

Please try to make the best of your life, as you’ve seen I’m a) incapable of sticking to the point and b) very serious about being as un-serious as I can much of the time. I do write these letters in order to inspire you to be everything you can and embrace happiness as your right. Please note that Anton du Beke isn’t called happiness and should on no account be embraced.

Again I would do a Mrs D and wish you happy days and peaceful nights, but that’s rather up to you isn’t it!
Your happy friend


P.S. Regardless what you think of me it is not compulsory to lose your wits in order to be happy.
P.P.S. However, if you should see my wit lurking anywhere please return it by recorded delivery because I don’t want the little beggar to take off again. (The same goes for my brain cell should you encounter it).

© Deb Hawken 2011