Dani's Question

My first teaching came not as a developing Medium but using Spiritual thinking to help me change my inner and therefore outer world. It worked for me and it’s what I want to convey with my answers by looking at situations logically, emotionally and spiritually; I hope that because they’re in-depth everyone will find something useful in them.

The question came via Facebook:

The big question about relationships in regards to the spiritual aspect... is looking at why we have to kiss the frogs before we get a nice one... and also.... why we have to learn from the bad relationships or the ones that are hurtful, in order to be able to appreciate the nice one when they cross our path.... a bit like why the universe doesn't always answer your request for the right one at the time of asking... because you have more to learn???? Does that make sense???  Dani, Somerset

Logical

I did think about ignoring the logic part this time as it’s a Spiritual question, but actually there is a Spiritual logic to this.

You don’t have to kiss the frogs. You don’t have to learn the hard way.

The trouble with human beings is that for some reason we feel that we cannot pull out of relationships when they begin to go wrong. I feel this is partly due to the fact that we’re brought up to accept other people as they are which is all well and good unless accepting them as they are is damaging you every day.

If you’re in a good relationship there will be compromise and consideration. There will also be a meeting of the minds on the important aspects of life, particularly shared values regarding the treatment of the opposite sex, other human beings and animals.

However, we often go into relationships aware that all is not well and subconsciously expecting that the other person will change to suit our needs. This can happen on a surface level, but on a deeper level it is rare that someone will or even can change their core belief system.

Besides, if we love someone then how can we say that what they are is not good enough? Isn’t that where romance comes unstuck?

So the logical advice is not to ignore the need to be fundamentally similar.

Some things to look for are:

• Fundamental differences in the things that really matter (e.g. attitude to children, pets, money, your family, your work, etcetera)
• Unacceptable treatment whether verbal or physical of you, your family, and most particularly your children, and animals
• Finding yourself thinking about how they need to change to suit you
• Lies!
• Saying one thing and doing another
• Manipulation – particularly making you feel guilty for being the person you are

You can probably think of other things and that’s good. Think about your own list and be realistic about what you need from a relationship. If you’re aware of that in the front of your mind you will be more likely to see whether you are compatible with new people.

Communication is essential in all romantic relationships, but remember, if you’ve asked and asked to have things change and the person agrees then ignores you – you have to deal with what’s happening not what’s being said.

Note: The definition of nagging is having to ask for something more than once.

Emotional

Most of us are afraid to be alone feeling that lack of a lover in our lives means that we are deficient in some way as a human being.

We find it difficult to socialise as a single and it becomes murderous when our friends settle down and we’re still footloose and fancy free; that’s when we start fancying everything and putting up with anything in order to have our arm decorated next time we go out.

Singlehood is particularly difficult for lone parents who want an adult conversation at some point during the day, some support in managing the children, and help when they have the flu.

It is our vulnerability that makes us compromise and put up with things that we criticise others for accepting, and the only way to ensure that you eradicate this vulnerability is self-belief and self-trust. Throw in a good support network of family and friends and you’re there.

Most importantly, your romantic relationship does not and should never define you. Krishna Murti once said something along the lines of “the perfect relationship is two tall trees growing side-by-side, neither in the other’s shadow.” Those are wise words and that is what you need the courage to stand out for.

Spiritual

Learning the hard way is not a Spiritual requirement. I discovered this when one of my Guides asked if I liked school and learning and I said “yes”. To which he replied “Then why do you have to learn the hard way in life?” It was an excellent question.

Spiritually relationships are about being the right person and being ready for the right relationship rather than waiting for the right person to find you. So perhaps it’s more about whether the universe sends the wrong person, or the person to demonstrate to us that we’re still not ready for the right relationship.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve begged clients to heal themselves and learn to draw on their higher self before they embark on another romantic relationship.

When we are not healed we attract to us a partner that reflects our current state of mind and emotion. So if we expect to be ignored, placed a poor last, perhaps even beaten, we will attract someone who is attracted to that need in us.

Of course these partners will need to represent the other side of the spectrum in order to provide for our insecurities, so neither partner will be helping the other to develop as a Spiritual and human being.

It is the Spiritual part of us that carries our higher knowledge and wisdom, and recalls a world where loving kindness is the only acceptable mode of behaviour; with all the connotations those emotions bring.

If we heal ourselves and feel good about who we are we will attract a person who has developed the same self respect; as such we will be able to kiss goodbye to the frogs and frogesses.

When in doubt always ask yourself “would this behaviour be acceptable in the Spirit World?”

If you would like a meditation to meet your higher self please contact me – details below.

Conclusion

Dani I hope I’ve answered your very interesting and thought provoking question.

For you I feel that you need to recognise your right to be happy and only accept people into your life who have that same aim and ambition. I also feel that we all get to an age where we realise that we don’t have to be unhappy any longer because we know what that is, and we also know what happiness is. You know what it is and as a Spiritual being you deserve nothing less than deep love and a bit of a challenge!

© Deb Hawken 2011
www.dancing-star.org.uk